SIbling dynamics when more than one child has pda
Sibling dynamics are so tricky when Pathological Demand Avoidance/Persistent Drive for Autonomy (PDA) is in the picture. When two or more children in the home have PDA, the stress in the home can become even more acute. Below you will find some tools that can help:
Two siblings make silly faces at the camera
Radical Acceptance: “Kids do well when they can.” -Ross Greene, The Explosive Child. When kids don’t do well, it’s because they can’t—they do not have the skills to navigate the situation. PDA is one of the invisible disabilities that can confuse adults, as we often expect children to have similar skills as their age peers. If there is asynchronous development (i.e. excelling in one area, and lagging in another), this can be even more confusing. Radical acceptance of your child’s/children’s disabilities is an essential first step in alleviating your own stress, which can then alleviate the stress of other family members. Radical acceptance may require you to process your own grief of what you hoped could be.
Manage Expectations: Once you can radically accept your child’s limitations, you will be better able to manage your expectations of them. If you know that your children become highly stressed at their sibling’s birthday celebrations, you may have to come up with some new traditions that will prioritize peace, such as taking the birthday kid out for a restaurant with one caregiver, while another stays home with the other. Presents may need to be opened without siblings present. Toys may need to stay in individual bedrooms and not live in communal spaces. Always have a backup plan for outings/events, like having a backup support person or driving separately so one parent can take a child home early if needed..
Prioritize keeping bodies safe: The emotional safety of one child cannot come at the expense of the physical safety of another. If possible, it can be very helpful to let children with PDA have their own rooms, and to provide locks with codes or keys that cannot be accessed by a sibling. If a child is having a meltdown, try to get the distressed child and other children into separate spaces. While boundaries may look different in a PDA family, children with PDA still do not get to control the autonomy of others, and hurting another should always be a hard line.
Model empathy: You will likely need to have conversations over and over with each of your children, using developmentally appropriate language, to educate on disability in an empathetic way. “We all have different brains and sometimes your sister’s brain needs ___ to feel safe.” Connecting it with how they have felt may help them empathize with their sibling. “Remember how you felt when ____? That’s how your brother feels right now.” And don’t forget to empathize with the child who is struggling less: “I know this is really hard right now.”
Incorporate humor: Humor is such a gift in a PDA household. Humor is shown to reduce stress during conflict, whether that is between adults or with kids. Obviously the humor should never be at the expense of another. As adults model humor, kids will often pick up that skill as well.
Try to create a system that works for everyone: What does everyone need? What would be fair, knowing that fair does not necessarily mean “same?” Spend time with each child to collaborate on how to get their needs met—children can often surprise us with some creative ways to solve family problems.
Prioritize your own self-care: Many parents of children with disabilities feel guilty when prioritizing themselves, but preventing or healing from your own burnout is just as important for you as it is for your kids. Adequate sleep, nutrition, and movement make up the foundation of self care. Beyond that, what else do you need to take care of yourself? For some parents it looks like scheduling regular date nights, or alone time, and leaving the kids with a trusted sitter or family member. For many parents of neurodivergent children, it could mean eating a different meal than what the kids eat. Having time each week for your own hobby, even if it’s just twenty minutes. While often easier said than done, your nervous system needs breaks from being on high alert. Listening to music, getting outside, moving your body, dancing, and creating are all clinically proven ways at reducing stress and improving mood.
In conclusion, raising children with PDA is typically not easy, but hopefully some of these tips can help. If you are a Colorado resident interested in becoming a therapy client, please reach out here.
May today feel like a hug.
Love,
Angela
